Bouncing Back: Anal Play After Surgery and Trauma

Hold onto your butts: this one is personal.

I’ve always responded to folks who use their own experience to help enlighten others, so I’m willing to do the same when I can. So please allow me to share that I lived in a body with two buttholes for over a year of my life, and that my number two concern was, “Will I be able to have anal sex again?”

(Number one was not becoming incontinent, and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity for a “number two” joke.)

What Happened to My Butt

It was late summer of 2023 when I noticed the symptoms of a hemorrhoid. For me, that meant bright red blood, swelling, and some general discomfort when using the bathroom. In the throes of a busy travel season, I did something I do not recommend: I ignored it. Hemorrhoids happen, and they had happened to me before, so I powered through the trade show I was working in Germany and kept it mostly to myself.

Don’t do what I did.

By the time I addressed it seriously, I had just landed from a 15-hour flight home after my final work trip of the year, and it looked like me texting my emergency contact early the next morning to ask if he would take me to the hospital. The pain I had experienced in Germany was unlike anything I had ever known, and whatever was causing it was now fully visible from the exterior of my posterior.

I won’t go into the full medical details of every doctor visit, but what I had was an anorectal abscess that formed a transsphincteric fistula: a small tunnel that develops after the infected abscess. A transsphincteric fistula passes from inside the anal canal, through both sets of sphincter muscles, to an opening on the outside of the skin. I ended up having six surgical procedures, four of which were (thankfully) under general anesthesia, and from the onset of symptoms to my final surgery took nearly 14 months. So, yeah, two buttholes. Do not recommend it.

The Question My Doctor Hears Most

Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling super desirable during that entire time. I have always been a person who reserved partnered anal play for serious candidates only, and there hasn’t been one of those in some time, but I digress. I was concerned about my body’s ability to control its bowels when this was all through, and I wanted to know if I could safely enjoy anal penetration again someday, when this was all behind me (ha!). Would I do this thing I love with someone special again?

The doctor couldn’t help with the someone special, but he did ASSure me of two things:

• It’s the most common question he gets.
• Yes, someday, I should be able to safely and pleasurably be Anal Kim again.

Which leads me to this article: how I retrained my body for anal pleasure, and the tips and tools that helped me get there.

Some of this is useful for anyone who is brand-new to anal play, with added measures for a body that has been through some trauma. Even as I sit comfortably to write this, nearly two years after that final surgery, I still have some backdoor triggers that I breathe my way through. It’s a unique and complicated scenario when the body experiences something painful, terrifying, and unknown. Anorectal and perianal abscesses and their possible complications are tricky, and if you believe you may be dealing with one, PLEASE speak with your doctor, and potentially a specialist, because this is not medical advice. I’m just a person with a vulva who loves anal play, developed an abscess that resulted in a complicated fistula, and wasn’t afraid to look for the things that would help. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

Getting Your Booty Groove Back

Manage your expectations, dear friend. If you once enjoyed anal play and were a regular practitioner, it’s likely that you’re dealing with a whole new hole: scar tissue, nervous system responses, rearranged nerve endings. All of this has an impact. Take your time, more than you may have needed before, and listen to your breath and your body. Much like first-time anal exploration, consider starting on your own with some good anal lube and your smallest finger.

Start With a Mirror and Your Smallest Finger

First things first: look at your new hole in a mirror. Trace along the familiar and unfamiliar view with a finger, and make sure your nails are trimmed properly! Fissures are tears in the soft tissue, and they can become infected. Consider using disposable gloves (nitrile if you have a latex allergy). Use light pressure and a bit of lubrication to keep things smooth while you navigate the landscape. Try contracting and relaxing the muscles while you do this, and notice what feels okay, what feels good, and what might feel like too much.

If it’s safe to go inside, try your most diminutive finger, if that’s comfortable for you. I suggest this over a small butt plug at first, so you can read your body’s response more accurately. Is it giving easily? Is it pushing your finger out quickly? There’s no rush. You can put a finger inside and just keep it there while your body relaxes and your breath deepens.

Filling the Void: The Toys That Helped Me Retrain

Before you rush to bigger penetration, such as an anal dildo or a penis, there are some anal training toys I found especially helpful for retraining the hole, and they may not be in your existing ARSEnal yet.

Stainless Steel Anal Beads

The b-Vibe Stainless Steel Anal Beads came in especially handy. If you haven’t used stainless steel anal toys before, this might seem like a big leap, so let me explain why they’re perfect. Medical-grade stainless steel is completely body-safe. These beads are also entirely seamless and compatible with any lubricant (including silicone, if you want something extra slick without much reapplication).

Stainless steel can also go in a bowl of ice water or warm water for temperature play. Some bodies crave a cool sensation, particularly where there may be scar tissue or sensitivity. Some bodies crave a warmer, more relaxing approach. Some bodies will crave each of these at different times, and the Stainless Steel Anal Beads can offer that along with a graduated size experience. The weight also gives you pressure without much movement, which comes in clutch when you’re retraining the body.

A Graduated Set of Plugs

I also suggest having a nice set of different-sized butt plugs so you can measure (and enjoy) your progress. For this, I like the Butties Beginner Booty Bundle or the 3-Piece Anal Training Kit. Both offer seamless silicone butt plugs in small, medium, and large.

• The Butties Bundle has saddle-style bases, which are far more comfortable to wear while you’re cleaning the house, changing the sheets, or moving around while your body gets used to having something inside it.
• The 3-Piece Anal Training⁠ Kit has flat suction-cup bases, which are great for a dedicated session.

What I love about both is that the plugs have tapered, rounded tips, similar to fingers, and they’re longer than more egg-shaped, bulbous options. That helps you test your body’s response to depth and gives a more accurate preview of things to come. And, of course, always use generous amounts of water-based lubricant with silicone toys.

Ready to Ride: Bringing a Partner Back In

Much like my doctor, I can’t supply the partner who will be patient and considerate with your body while you relearn how to receive anal penetration.

What I can do is encourage you to communicate fully with the person you plan to take on your first ride back into Anal Town. That’s true whether or not your body has been through painful trauma, but it’s especially important here, because you may be sharing this experience with someone who only knows your body from before. This is an opportunity for you to get to know your body again, so it stands to reason that even the most familiar partner should be reintroduced!

I implore you to have the challenging and potentially uncomfortable conversation with your doctor and with yourself. Then have it with your partner or partners. You’ll want the language and signals to slow down, speed up, or stop entirely if necessary.

And listen to your butt. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to pause or stop. It’s okay to want to get to full-blown penetration, but if your body isn’t in alignment, those plans may need a rain check.

You Still Deserve Pleasure

More than anything, I want you to know some things I had to search too hard to find during my healing journey:

• None of this makes you any less deserving of pleasure.
• You are not a monster. You’re a sexy, gorgeous human who has every right to feel every feeling your body is capable of feeling!
• There is nothing wrong with you.

If you can find a way to let this inform your pleasure, you will be better for it. Of course, your journey may result in changes that don’t allow your previous escapades to continue in the same ways, but our bodies are changing whether we develop health issues or not. These meat sacks we’ve been assigned are ours. What you do with yours is up to you, and if you listen to a good doctor and your body, I HOLE-heartedly believe in you!