Ass Me Anything: Some Dildos Suck!

I recently separated from my partner of four years, and it was hard. We had a loving and amicable breakup — a mutual decoupling, an agreement to remain friends — but I still got sad and took a few weeks off from butt play. Now I’m getting back into my toys and discovering that my butt is a little bit out of practice. So let me reiterate the first lesson of toys, one I have to keep reminding myself over and over: Go slow, be patient, train for anal, and use lots of lube. The heart and hole both mend in time — but an anal injury, at least, is preventable.

With that said, let’s dive into this week’s #AssMeAnything, where I answer three questions about anal play.

What is the best Prostate massager? — Alien2021

Well, Alien2021, that’s a subjective question, so it gets a subjective answer. I don’t love prostate massagers, but some folks possessing prostates do and use them almost every day. I don’t think you will find any consensus among P-spot (prostate) aficionados on which toy (stimulator, massager, wand, probe, whatever) is best. There are many different kinds of prostate toys, and everyone likes different shapes and features. Some folks like a nice, strong vibration, others not so much.

As someone who loves toys and is proud of my collection, let me say that enjoying toys involves buying several duds — toys that I spent good money on but will likely never use again. That’s part of the journey. Though some adult toy suppliers have return and refund policies, I’ve never taken advantage of them and I have usually just tossed out toys I didn’t like. I have bought enough prostate massagers to know that I just don’t like them. You will have to buy a few P-spot toys before you find your favorite — and along the way, you will likely purchase a few that don’t do much for you. That’s okay.

The rule with buying toys is to start cheap (within reason) and work your way up to higher-quality toys and more expensive products once you’ve found a style and brand that you like.

I'm very comfortable using anal plugs of various sizes. However, thrusting with dildos doesn't feel good and is actually very uncomfortable! I've tried different kinds of lube, different sized dildos, different lengths of time over different periods of time, but nothing seems to be working. Does this mean that I'm never going to enjoy using dildos? I'm trying to train for anal sex. — Maria

Hi Maria! My immediate question is this: What dildo materials have you been using? Most dildos that one can find in a standard sex shop are, in my opinion, very low-quality and not comfortable — in fact, most of them hurt. If you walk into an adult emporium or kitschy novelty shop, you will likely find a wall of plasticky dildos in plastic casings, and most of them will be made of TPR or TPE — the cheapest and most common materials for sex toys. These materials are, frankly, awful. For one, they are not hypoallergenic, and in most cases, they are way too hard to be comfortably inserted, and should not be vigorously thrust in and out (that idea just sounds very painful to me). A firm, rigid dildo with lots of veins and texture is fun to wave around at a college frat party, as a joke, but not fun to ride. I recommend breezing over the low-quality stuff and only buying soft dildos made of premium silicone. PVC sometimes works, though it is often way too firm for me. I want my dildo to be soft, plushy, squeezable, bendable, and very smooth.

ESSENTIAL READ: Why you should always purchase a body safe sex toy!

Let’s say you eventually find dildos that don’t hurt, but you still don’t enjoy them. If that’s the case, you’re just like me: I much prefer butt plugs over dildos. I wish I liked dildos more — the idea of them is very hot and I like watching others enjoy them — but I’ve never been wowed by them myself. My butt has a mind of its own and just enjoys plugs more.

There’s nothing wrong with that! Some folks’ holes — front or back — are more sensitive than others and more easily irritated, and I think a dildo going in and out is more irritating than pleasurable for those folks. I’m one such person. It’s okay to have a sensitive hole that prefers certain sensations over others.

Complications from wearing a butt plug too Long? — Late Bloomer

Hey Bloomer. Your life might become complicated by many things — job, healthcare, love — but wearing a plug is likely not one of them. Wear it for as long as you feel comfortable and re-lube regularly so you don’t dry out and irritate your butt. Obviously, you will have to use the bathroom, pass gas, and do all the normal things that a butt has to do, so your body will naturally limit how long you can keep it in. Do not attempt to override your body or force it into submission — you will lose. When you have to go, you have to go. Respect the body’s limits and play within them, and you’ll find that those limits are very accommodating for long bouts of wonderful toy play and awesome sex.