What is comfort sex? How do I have it? Sex educator Dirty Lola gives you a complete 101 on sex that will leave you feeling happy and satisfied!
We all have comfort foods. The no-frills dishes that are as delicious as they are easy to make. The foods that make us feel warm and cozy inside during times of high stress or grief. Comfort foods can be excellent self-care, but as the saying goes, man cannot survive on bread alone, so this is where comfort sex comes in. No, this isn't some new fad. You've probably been engaging in comfort sex. You just hadn't put a name to it. Comfort sex, much like its edible counterparty, serves to soothe. It is dependable and familiar sex. Sex that isn't fancy. Sex with a purpose. Nothing to wax poetic about but definitely sex that brings you peace along with pleasure.
Comfort sex will look different depending on the type of relationship and level of intimacy shared, but the common threads running throughout are trust and familiarity. So whether you're in a long-term relationship or flying solo, you can add comfort sex to your self-care arsenal.
If comfort sex needs familiarity and trust to soothe and pleasure truly, then having someone around who knows how your body works or at the very least can take directions and that you trust is vital. So how do you achieve that when you're single? I have three words for you, Friends With Benefits.
Having that person you can call or text to come over after a rough day for sex time is THE BEST. This person should be someone you enjoy and feel safe around and someone you don't have to worry about causing post-sex dramatic mess like your ex, don't call your ex. Put the phone down. They don't need to know you as a long-term lover, but you should communicate clearly and easily with this person. Last but not least, we never want to make anyone feel used (unless that's their kink) so make sure you're being honest about why you're calling and that they're down to be your comfort sex buddy.
I often say you are your own best lover, and I wholeheartedly believe that. Masturbation can count as comfort sex, especially when you're using your fav sex toy. That toy or combination of toys that always gets you there. No experimentation, and nothing new and shiny. Just your trust buzzing buddy or buddies. Need inspiration? Well, you're reading this on b-Vibe - the home of the best anal sex toys. Or head on over to Le Wand to find the most incredible sex toys for vulva-owners and couples.
Need more than just sex toys to get you to the big O? Add your favorite porn or read that smut book you love for the 20th time. For another layer of cozy, turn down the lights and turn up your sexy song playlist.
Couples are always looking for new ways to spice things up and keep that relationship fire burning, and while that's all well and good, a healthy dose of predictability doesn't hurt either. Predictability isn't a bad thing, and in fact, comfort sex thrives on it. There is comfort in the familiar and the almost mechanical. I don't mean awful unfulfilling sex. I mean the sex you can have mindlessly in the wee hours of the morning or when you've been stirred awake late at night—the kind of sex that is effortless and feels like a meditation of sorts. Breathing together as clothes are removed, lube is applied, and bodies fit together. This kind of sex isn't exciting weekend away sex. This is I know exactly what you like and where you need me to touch sex.
I want to make one thing very clear. Comfort sex is about seeking pleasure as a whole, not just orgasming. While some folks need orgasms to feel that release into comfort, many don't need that. Experiencing closeness, the intimacy of curling up in someone's arms, your naked bodies pressed against each other can be just as satisfying as an orgasm, if not more so for some. The point is what will bring you relief and release. Is that an orgasm? Is it hours of touching and being worshiped? Is it twenty precious minutes alone with your wand a butt plug? Whatever it is, as long as it brings you comfort, you're doing it right.
Consent is paramount in all things sex, and this includes consenting to be used for comfort. This may seem like a trivial thing to get consent for, but you really do need everyone to be on board when seeking comfort sex. If your partner or FWB is having their own struggles, you may not get the comfort you were seeking. If your partner or FWB is having their own struggles, you may not get the comfort you were seeking. Checking in to see if someone is emotionally available and ready is always a good look.
Comfort sex should be, well, comforting, and it shouldn't be an excuse to exercise destructive, unsafe behaviors. This means not reaching out to toxic exes or fuck folks that make you feel awful after interacting with them. You should still be practicing your safer sex protocols as well. This isn't sex for the simple sake of feeling good. You can feel good while you're being reckless, but how will you feel when it's over? Comfort sex should leave you feeling satisfied and happy, not filled with guilt regret.