Once you’ve decided that you want to try anal play, you need to figure out how to tell your wife, husband, or partner. If they’ve already said that they’re into it, that conversation will probably be pretty easy. But sometimes, having the anal talk can work better with a little planning.
The most important thing to remember is to never surprise someone with anal play. While many people love anal sex and would enjoy adding it to their sexual repertoire, not everyone does. Some people have never tried it. Some people have tried it and it didn't work out. Some people have tried it and had discomfort or pain. Some people have had partners pressure them into it. And unfortunately, some people have experienced sexual trauma with anal play. If you just go for it without talking first, there’s a possibility that the entire experience will be a train wreck.
The best time to bring up an anal sex discussion is when you aren’t having sex. If your partner isn’t into anal play, for any reason, that talk will be a lot easier when there isn’t a lot of erotic energy going on. One good way to lead up to the conversation is to say something like:
- "I'm sort of curious about anal sex, and I've been reading about it online. Is that something that you'd be interested in exploring?"
- "I enjoy anal play and I'm wondering if you do too?"
- "If you're into it, I'd enjoy trying anal play with you."
- "I've been fantasizing about anal sex and I would really like to experience that with you."
These are more neutral ways to introduce the topic without creating pressure. Pleasurable anal play is all about helping the receiver relax. You can start by talking about it in a low-stakes way.
Some folks will be an enthusiastic yes during your anal talk. But others might need some time to think about it, especially if they've had uncomfortable experiences in the past. If their answer isn’t an immediate yes, tell your partner that you don't want to pressure them at all. Ask them if they’d like to take some time to decide.
Be sure to give them that time before bringing up the anal sex chat again. Don’t rush them, and don’t try to “accidentally” include anal play when you have sex with them. You might find it easier to pick a time to circle back and see how they feel. Give them a few days or maybe a week before raising the topic again. Or pick a time together to come back to the conversation.
One of the most common reasons for uncomfortable or painful anal play is not knowing how to do it right. You can offer your partner a lot of reassurance during your anal talk by telling them that you've been doing your research.
Show them the Anal Academy on the b-Vibe website and give them a chance to read it. The more you both know about how to make anal feel great, the easier it’ll be to give it a try. Plus, if your partner has confidence in your knowledge, it’ll help them feel more relaxed and able to experiment with you.
It can be disappointing if your partner decides they don't want to try anal play. That feeling is totally understandable, and it’s important not to let that damage your relationship. If your partner isn’t into anal sex, do your best not to pressure them or try to convince them to change their mind. That’s far more likely to cause problems than improve things.
The best thing you can do is thank them for being honest with you about what they want. You can also ask them to tell you what it is about anal play that makes them not want to try it. There might be some middle ground or problem-solving to be done.
For example, if your partner says that they’ve tried anal sex and it hurt, you can let them know that you’re also interested in exploring external touch, without any penetration — such as analingus (AKA eating ass) and anal massaging.
If they’re concerned about hygiene, you can read one of the most popular guides on the internet about how to clean for anal. Finding an answer to address their concerns will be a lot easier if you can avoid pressuring them.
Of course, that won’t work in every situation. If your partner has a firm limit around anal play, the best thing to do is accept that and look for other ways to enjoy sex together. Remember- there are lots of ways to have sex and anal play is only one option.
If your partner is up for trying anal play, there are still things to talk about first. Here are some good questions to ask them during your anal talk:
- "Have you done it before? What is your favorite anal sex position?"
- "What is it about anal play that you enjoy, do not enjoy, or are curious about?"
- "What would make this feel like a successful experience for you?"
These kinds of questions will give you some useful info about your partner’s desires. For example, if anal play turns them on because it feels taboo to them, that’s different from enjoying it because of the physical sensations. The more you know about why your partner wants to have anal sex, and the more you can tell them about why you want to do it, the more you can create an experience that will leave you both smiling.
It’s also good to make sure that their “yes” means “I definitely want to do this” rather than “I don’t really want to, but I’ll go along with it.” Going along with it can make any kind of sex feel less successful, but it’s especially likely to make anal play not work. The body won’t respond in a pleasurable manner if they don't really mean “oh, yes!” And if you pressure them or get upset about it, it’s only going to make it worse. Anal sex is always much more fun when both people are fully enjoying it.
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