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Sex educator Amanda Chatel reveals everything you need to know about spanking during sex
#Anal Play Advice#Partner Play

The Complete Guide to Spanking

Last Updated: Jun 17, 2024 / By Amanda Chatel

Ah, erotic spanking - the wonderful sensation of combining pleasure and just the right amount of pain. Ready to master the art of spanking during sex? Come right this way!

Spanking during sex has been around for thousands of years. Archeologists have found frescos by the Etruscan civilization dating as far back as the fifth century BCE. One fresco, in particular, reveals three people engaged in a threesome with the woman in the equation being whipped with some sort of stick. The ancient sex guide, Kama Sutra, too, suggests adding spanking to sexual acts to increase sexual arousal for all partners. So, yes, our long-ago ancestors really knew what was up when it comes to taking pleasure to the next level.

Why do folks enjoy spanking or being spanked?

As is the case with most sexual acts, the reason for enjoying spanking during sex varies. For those who are being spanked, there can be the appeal of being dominated by their partner, receiving a consensual punishment. For those who prefer to do the spanking during sex, there's the thrill of dominating their partner and having control over the situation, again, consensually of course.

While both those reasons to enjoy spanking are valid, it also comes down to neurotransmitters in the brain. There is a neurochemical relationship between pain and pleasure, as they're both reward-punishment systems that play a major role in our lives, even outside of sex. When someone is enjoying something, dopamine is released and the neurotransmitters prepare the brain for its reward in the pleasure centers. If someone is spanked (or is doing the spanking) and enjoys it, the dopamine continues to be released so that the brain knows that the person is really loving the experience. There's a combination of anticipation and sensation (sensation, being the reward) at play. However, this link doesn't exist in everyone, and for those that don't have it, spanking or being spanked isn't for them.

A beginner's guide on how to get started with spanking during sex

Spanking Sex for Beginners

If you've never engaged in spanking at all or are with a new partner with whom you've never been spanked by or have spanked, then a discussion needs to be had. You don't just jump headfirst into spanking without a thorough conversation and a lot of consent.

How to bring up spanking with your partner

If you're having sex with someone, whether it's a one-night stand or a long-term relationship, being able to talk about sex is essential. Sometimes the best way to broach the subject is by talking about your fantasies with your partner. It's during these intimate conversations about both of your sexual desires that you can share with your partner your interest in spanking and ask if they'd be interested too. It's important to keep the conversation honest and shame-free, no matter what sexual acts and fantasies are discussed. And it's even more important to not act disappointed should your partner not be too keen on the idea of spanking. We all experience pleasure in different ways and your visible disappointment can make your partner not only feel bad but feel pressured to do something they don't want to do -- and that's the last thing you want to do to your partner.

ANSWERED: How to have an anal sex talk with your partner!

What to do if your partner isn't interested in spanking?

If that honest conversation leads to your partner not being interested in being spanked by you, nor do they have a desire to spank you, then what's a person to do? You can take the conversation in the direction of meeting somewhere in the middle. For example, if you're the one who wants to do the spanking, maybe spanking a pillow or the mattress when the urge strikes, is a compromise your partner is OK with. If you want to be spanked, then perhaps you spanking yourself during sex with your partner is also another alternative technique they can support you in pursuing. In many cases, even sexual cases, a happy medium can be met if both partners agree that sex is a give and take.

What to do before a spanking session?

Again, you want to talk to your partner when you prepare for your spanking session. Will there only be spanking on the ass? Will vulva spanking be on the menu? What about a light spank across the cheek or breasts? Does the scrotum want in on the action? You also want to cover boundaries and expectations. For example, do you want to be spanked lightly or hard enough to leave welts or bruises? Is a pink handprint the limit for you and your partner? Is it OK to spank the ass harder than another part of the body? Your entire epidermis is technically spankable, so you want to make sure you both cover the what, where, and how of it all. Then start gently, keeping the lines of communication open the whole time.

Spanking Techniques

Because there's so much of the human body that can be spanked, some spots being more pleasurable than others, you want to familiarize yourself with the techniques of spanking.

Where to Spank

1. Butt: If you're not sure where to spank, then let's make it easy: start with the ass. The largest muscle in the body, the gluteus maximus, can absorb spanking in a way that a bonier part of the body can't. As a beginner, this is a place you really want to focus on, but you also don't want to spank the same spot over and over again. If you think of this part of the body as a beautiful canvas that needs attention all over, then you'll be more likely to move about. Spanking in the same spot repeatedly can lead to welts and even breaking of the skin. Unless this is something your partner consented to, keep your spanks moving around the butt.

2. Genitals: As you and your partner become more and more aroused, blood will be heading straight to your genitals, engorging them, and making them sensitive to the touch. At this point, spanking the vulva or scrotum can also be a feel-good option, but only if it's been discussed. Some people's genitals are far too sensitive when they're aroused to handle even a light spank.

3. Other parts of the body: As mentioned above, the ass and genitals aren't the only places where spanking can be enjoyable, especially if you delve deeper into BDSM. The face, breasts, feet, inner thighs, armpits, and other erogenous zones can also be places to explore the sensation of spanking with your partner.

How to Spank

1. With your hand: If you're still relatively new to spanking, you probably don't want to show up to a spanking session with an arsenal of sex toys for spanking. It's best to start with what you know best: your hand. Skin-on-skin contact is not only sensual because you both get to feel the impact without anything in between, but intimate. One of the best parts about sex is the feeling of your lover's skin against yours, and using your hand offers that. It's also less likely to hurt or leave a mark -- if these are two things you plan to avoid. Also, if you're the spanker, be aware of your own strength, especially as you become more excited.

Learn what to use for spanking and how to spank your partner during sex

2. With a sex flogger or a wooden paddle: If you want to up your spanking game and try a different sensation, then items like floggers, paddles, and crops are a great option to use for exploration. But because they're not your hand, you want to be aware of the impact they make while using different levels of force and where you use them. While using these toys can really spice up spanking exploration for some people, for others, these toys may not have the same appeal. If you and your partner realize that you're both hands-only spankers and spankees, then that's just how you roll!

3. Other items: If you want to get creative, there are many things that could be used to be spanked by or to spank your partner with: magazines, slippers, belts, books, and the list goes on! But no matter what you choose to use, make sure the choice is made by both partners and consent has been given.

Best Spanking Positions

Best sex positions to spank your partner

1. Over the knee: Nothing says you've been oh-so bad like having your partner take you over their knee to spank you. For those who want to dabble with sub/dom role-play, this position is perfect for that.

2. Doggy style: Any time someone is in the doggy style position, their ass is right there in front of you and ready to be spanked. This position also allows for generation at the same time, offering a cocktail of sensations for both partners.

RELATED: Why doggy style is the best position for ass worshipping!

3. Standing: It doesn't matter if you're having standing intercourse or standing oral, in which one part is on their knees doing the giving, both these positions provide for a couple of different spanking scenarios. For example, if you're the one standing, you can spank your partner's face while they're going down on you and they can spank your ass at the same time. Sex combos are always a win-win.

4. Bent over furniture: When it comes to sex, furniture can be the third wheel you want around. There's so much that can be done with the backs of couches, the arms of chairs, the staircase, the desk, the kitchen counter -- you can pretty much turn your home into a sexual free-for-all. But as for spanking, nothing is quite as delicious as being bent over a piece of furniture or seeing your partner bent over, say, the kitchen table to really turn each other on.

5. Straddling: If you're the one who prefers to spank instead of being spanked, having your partner straddle you, either with or without penetration, then spanking them in this position is, well, fantastic. There's also a power dynamic at play: you may be doing the spanking during sex, but the partner on top also has quite a bit of control.

Advanced Spanking

Also known as rough spanking, advanced spanking is all about pushing the limits of both pain and pleasure. It's also not for the faint of heart. Although spanking is the most common BDSM activity, it's still a long way from really rough BDSM-style spanking and not something anyone should just go into on a whim. It's something you need to work up to and do with someone you trust implicitly, so you feel safe at all times.


It can't be stressed enough just how important consent is when it comes to all sexual acts, especially those that push our personal boundaries. But although you are pushing those personal boundaries, you still have boundaries that shouldn't be ignored. Before you even think about going down the road of rough spanking, which is likely to be part of rough sex, you want to have a long talk with your partner and acknowledge the physical damage that might be consensually done and whether you're both prepared for that. Make sure you both agree that consent can be revoked at any time and when it is, that's it; it stops.

Safety measures

Whenever you're engaging in any type of rough sexual acts, the first step, if you don't have one already, is coming up with a safe word. What is a BDSM safe word? A safe word is a word that each partner agrees to acknowledge that, when said, everything stops immediately. Although some people have more than one safe, for example, one that means "stop" and one that means "ease up," as long as you both have a safe word and you know each other's safe word, that's what matters most.


If the spanking gets really rough, there's a good chance there will be some battle wounds -- consensual battle wounds. Having a damp towel, topical antibiotics, and ice within reach are a good way to prepare for what's to come. It will also be there when it's time for aftercare.

Spanking Sex and Aftercare

Although aftercare is something that's often considered to only be practiced in the BDSM community, every sexual engagement can benefit from aftercare. When your body and mind are taken to such great heights of pure ecstasy, afterward many of us sort of crash -- that explains why your partner might fall asleep right afterward.

But when it comes to rough sexual play, spanking, or otherwise, the post-sex nap needs to wait. Not only is there a crashing or feeling of falling that comes after intense, aggressive sex, but it can also lead to vulnerability. Because of this, you want to hold each other, cuddle, take special care of any wounds either of you got during your rough spanking sesh, and talk about the experience. Allow yourselves to melt into the moment after being so high. Take a shower or bath together, rehydrate, share your thoughts, and be completely present. Then, once you both feel settled, yet still enjoying that wave of those feel-good hormones, you can have that post-sex nap. Or, if you have it in you, go for round two!


Found this guide on spanking during sex useful? You'll love our most popular guides on anal massaging, anal fingering, and how to prep for anal sex! p.s. Learn why everyone is raving about using coconut oil during sex.

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