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Sex writer Alexander Cheves answers questions regarding penis size for advanced anal
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Why Go Bigger? What You Need to Know About XL Penises for Anal Sex!

Last Updated: Jul 19, 2022 / By Alexander Cheves

Is bigger better? Short answer: No, not really.

In most cases, dick size has no impact on how good a top can make me feel. His charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent go further than a few inches.

Fact: Every bottom has been fucked by an XL top who had no sense of intimacy, no consideration for how sensitive the butt can be, no variation in speed and rhythm, and so on. And every bottom has been fucked by a guy with a small-to-average penis who felt incredible. Charisma matters.

My last great fuck was at a party on Fire Island during Memorial Day weekend. An average guy — average size, average body — knew how to fuck. He was a beast. I think he unloaded in me four times, and even after the fourth, he wanted more. He was insatiable, and he reminded me — as I have been reminded many times — how valuable a strong sexual appetite is in a sex partner. Nothing about him was "average," but his dick would be ranked average. That says nothing about this skill — he was a fantastic top.

Is bigger better?

But there is a longer answer to the question that began this article: Is bigger better? No — as the guy at Fire Island proved four times in a dark backroom behind the dance floor. But the longer answer is more complicated.

Some people just like to go big. They train for it. They make growing their holes a priority. You can bottoms on the internet at all stages of hole growth, from the very advanced — folks of all genders who take monstrous dildos and it's a wonder how those horse cocks (some life-modeled from actual horses) disappear inside them — to bottoms just starting.

Most butt-trainers never go to that very advanced point — many simply don't want to. I'm not at that skill level, though I consider myself pretty advanced.

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Why do folks like big dicks?

Going bigger is a kink, or a "nontraditional sex practice" — and the answer to "Why do people do it?" is the same for all kinks: For some, it feels great. I'm one of those people. My skills have advanced to beyond the limits of human anatomy — I'm in the territory of fisting and heavy ass play — and at this stage of my journey, bigger is preferred. My journey began by taking bigger and bigger penises, then bigger and bigger toys.

Some folks have no desire for a big dick at all — they prefer small to average ones (and there is a common fetish out there for very small penises). Inversely, some people like sitting on traffic cones. Most kinks involve some risks, and going bigger is no exception: tears, anal sex fissures, soreness, and other issues are common for folks who go big. But there's nothing wrong with going bigger. You're not sick or abnormal for wanting to stretch and train your hole. Going bigger is a sex sport, a hobby — nothing more or less.

What if you don't have an XL penis?

If you connect with someone who likes XL and you don't have an XL penis, don't bolt — that's not a dealbreaker, especially if you have chemistry with them. Some of my favorite sex partners have not been XL. You can have great sex with good chemistry — if anything, good chemistry is the only requirement for great sex. If you are not hung and want to play with a hung-loving bottom, talk to them. Ask them what they would like you to do. Discuss pleasure for both of you (sex is, after all, a two-way street).

The truth behind XL play

It's important not to approach their kink with any judgment. People who go big — who like fisting, XL toys, and more — are accustomed to negative reactions. We've all heard the "hotdog down a hallway" line. We've all had guys on hookup apps reject us because they assume we're "too loose."

These guys don't seem to understand how the butt works. When you train your butt, you don't get "loose". Incontinence only happens with extreme injury — which can be avoided by going slow and paying safely — and, in some cases, incontinence is a fetish that some hardcore ass players intentionally train for. But those are extreme, rare examples. The ass is elastic and closes up tight, even after an intense fisting session. Most advanced bottoms have butts that are perfectly normal when not in use.

After years of training for anal sex, I can open my hole — "loosen" — on command. When my ass was tight and I could not willfully loose it, bottoming hurt. I trained my butt to make sex easier and more enjoyable. I did that for my pleasure — no one else's. Even so, I still get judged. I've had hookups go awry when guys said I was "too loose" — who kept asking me to clench my hole. These guys wanted a beginner hole — they wanted to fuck someone for whom sex was painful, not pleasurable, and that was not me. 

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So no judgment — please. If you're small-to-average and connect with someone like me, ask questions. Be open to toys. Don't view toys as competition for your dick. Don't see toys as things being used because you are "inadequate." I use toys even with XL tops — because they make me feel good. If you have an interest in kinks like fisting, say so.

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In a perfect sex world — one in which no taboos, stigmas, or insecurities affect how we engage with each other — we would all enforce universal affirmation and acceptance of all body types, cock sizes,  and fetishes (including the fetish shared by many to sit on the biggest butt plug possible). In that perfect world, everyone would work to accommodate each other's desires and interests and would judge all desires and interests favorable — they would not take a size queen's XL fetish as a rejection of their average size, and size queens would be kinder and not reject someone average.

Sadly, we don't live in that sexual utopia, and you will occasionally find size queens who block you when you tell them your size, just as size queens are sometimes blocked by people who judge what they are into. But we can fix all this. We can make a better sex culture, one hookup at a time.

Every body — every cock size, every fetish, every unique person — has a place in the pleasure palace and, with few exceptions, no one is truly off-limits to anyone else because of their parts or their kinks. If you don't seem to be an immediate match to what you think someone else is into, simply talk to them. Get creative. Communicate. Make it work.

You will be surprised at what you can do — and how good you can make someone feel — when you approach sex as a bonding experience, a mystery to figure out with someone else, every time. Because that's what sex is.

— Alexander Cheves

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