We’re back with a new #AMA! I’m Alexander Cheves, author, sex educator, and butt slut, here to answer your questions on all things anal. We’ve gotten several questions about fisting, which is really fascinating to me. When I first got into fisting about eight years ago, it was a heavily tabooed thing and seemingly unheard-of among my peers, who were in their early twenties. That’s not the case now. Twitter, which has a thriving — and increasingly young — gay fisting community, and the popularity of fisting is growing. Guys used to freak out when I mentioned I was into it. Now, it’s easy to find guys barely 21 who are far more skilled than I ever was.
All sex comes out in time, even the taboo scenes, and fisting is having a moment. If you’re fisting-curious, you’re not the only one. With that said, let’s dive in.
Not at all. We covered this in our last #AMA, but I imagine it’s a question we’ll get often. Fisting is perplexing, especially when you first learn about it. I saw fisting porn accidentally before ever reading anything about it, and it was quite horrifying — I avowed I would never do it. Today, fisting is the closest thing I have to a religion.
Fisting is misunderstood primarily because of the word “fisting,” which suggests something violent, dangerous, damaging. The image of a balled fist breaking through a barrier, punching, wounding — this image suggests injury. I think the English have a better word, a more elegant and sporty term: handballing.
MASTER: The beginner's guide on how to prepare for anal fisting!
Regardless of which word you prefer, the sex act baffles the mind, at least at first. A penis can be overwhelming and painful, so a fist must take someone to the point of incontinence. But that’s not the case. Fist bottoms train, usually over many years, slowly stretching the anus, building its strength and elasticity, to take a fist. Doing this gives them more control over their butt muscles, not less. Now, I won’t say there are no very extreme fisters out there who might have to hurry to the bathroom a bit faster than their neighbors, but I know guys who get fisted several times a week — even daily — and never have any issues. Incontinence problems typically happen from injury, and injury most often occurs when you fist unsafely. Most fisters have perfectly normal butts. If that weren’t the case, all the people who are into fisting would not be.
The ass muscles are elastic. Even after taking huge penises, massive toys, hands, and more, the butt closes back up, usually within a few seconds.
A sex expert I know once told me something I’ve not forgotten: You either clean for less than fifteen minutes or you clean for 1.5 hours. There’s no middle ground. Unless you’re doing heavy depth play with toys or fisting, there’s no need to clean for an hour. If you’re just cleaning for regular anal sex or toy play, you are over-cleaning and irritating your bowels in the process.
Keep the water at low pressure. I use a lard-based lube (Crisco, coconut oil lube, something of that nature) and hold the nozzle in my butt for five seconds, then immediately push the water out. Then I hold it in my butt for ten seconds and hold it for as long as I can, or until my body tells me to expel. This signals to the brain that there’s something in my butt that needs to be released. I do this same pattern (5 seconds, expel, 10 seconds, hold until uncomfortable, expel) three to ten times, no more. It should take no more than 15 minutes. (This method only works with a shower hose or portable shower shot, which I recommend using over a hand bulb — hand pump bulbs are best for on-the-go and emergencies, good to keep in a bag when you go to a hookup.)
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The saying goes that you can’t out-douche a bad diet — a “bad diet” here meaning a diet low in fiber and high in processed food and saturated fats — and fiber pills go a long way to helping a diet improve. If this is not working, you might want to talk to a doctor, who might be able to determine if you have a food allergy or IBS. Many bottoms learn to work around issues like IBS, they just have to do a bit more work and know their bodies a little better. Everyone’s body responds to foods differently, so doing “tests” to see how your body responds to what you eat and how quickly you have a bowel movement can help you optimally time things in the future.
Anyone can have an anal orgasm — or buttgasm — but no one is required to like anal sex. Anal orgasms, like all orgasms, require some practice and skill before you experience them, so if you’re new to anal sex, I’d say start off with some self anal masturbation and keep practicing with toys and with a partner you connect with. Like any other orgasm, you might need to give yourself an anal orgasm before you know how to experience one with someone else. Humans often masturbate before they have sex, and masturbation is an important step in sexual development, as it teaches us how to feel pleasure, which then lets us teach others how to give us pleasure.
The only way to give yourself an anal orgasm is to play with toys like dildos and plugs. My first anal orgasm came from toy play. Toys let you go at your own speed and explore new and uncomfortable (and ultimately wonderful) feelings. There’s no easy way to define a buttgasm, as everyone experiences orgasm differently, but mine are full-body and loud — I can’t take a breath, except to yell. It’s beautiful and feels very sexual, but only after years of practice.
3. What is the best position for anal sex?
5. Is anal training necessary?