Howdy and welcome back to #AssMeAnything! This is a place to send questions on all things anal. My name is Alexander Cheves. I'm a sex writer and educator. As I write, my butt is nicely sore from a really fun ass session two nights ago — the great feeling of a hole well-used. The top I played with was gold-standard — he was patient and attentive and made me feel safe and enforced when I got in my head. He assured me there was no purpose, no expectation, and told me he was interested in playing more, no matter what I was able to do that night.
This post is dedicated to tops like that — the ones who listen, respect boundaries, and make their bottoms feel strong and capable. Tops: this is the standard you should aim for.
In case you need a quick refresher: A top, when it comes to anal or vaginal sex, is the insertive partner. A bottom is a partner that's taking the penis or dildo.
And with that, let's dive in!
In sex, you can't make anyone do what they don't want to do. It doesn't matter that she lets you play in her butt. "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" doesn't work in sex, and sexual "trade-offs" can result in people doing things that don't feel fully comfortable doing. That's not to say that she's a good lover or considerate, attentive sex partner; if my partner repeatedly expressed a desire, I'd give it a try at least once before telling him, no, and I believe open-mindedness and adventurousness are the most basic prerequisites to being a good lover. But, if after trying, I kindly told him his fantasy wasn't for me, that would be the end of it — no pressuring, coercion, or trade-offs from that point on. He'd either have to meet that sexual need with someone else (we are sexually open for this reason) or decide that he can live without satisfying it.
I don't think there are prizes to be won in life for self-denial, so I'm happy to say that I have a relationship in which he and I both get what we need, either with each other or with other people. But if you are monogamous and she is unwilling to play with your butt, even after you've repeatedly expressed this desire, you really only have two options: you can decide to put that fantasy to rest or you can decide that you need a partner who is more adventurous, more open-minded, and break up with her. Both of these options suck, which is why I'm an advocate for non-monogamy and open (or semi-open) relationships, in which everyone can get their needs met without cheating or going through a painful and unnecessary split. There is nothing you can do to "get her" to do anything. In sex, people should only do what they feel ready for, what feels comfortable to them — no pressure, coercion, or badgering allowed.
ANSWERED: How to talk about anal play with your partner!
With the exception of the prostate, there is little difference between a man's anus and a woman's. All butts, regardless of gender, can experience pleasure from anal sex. Anal sex often feels uncomfortable the first time. You might bleed a little or feel soreness afterward, and you should go slow and use plenty of lube to minimize the risk of injury. But with practice, a patient sex partner, and (optional but recommended) butt training with plugs and other anal toys (b-Vibe certainly have you covered there), anal sex can feel incredible for anyone.
[Here's a guide to anal play for vulva owners from our sister brand, Le Wand]
People seem to think the body can be controlled. I don't know how old you are, but I know how old I am — I'm almost thirty — and if there's one thing I've learned as these aches and pains in my knees become more of a daily experience, it's that the body does as it wants. Even the most experienced butt pig will not be fully clean every time they play — poop is a part of life for everyone, especially those who play in butts.
There is no "best way" to clean. There are healthier methods (minimal ones that don't go too deep or use too much water) and more extreme ones (like a shower shot), but everyone's piping is different, and everyone must find, through trial-and-error, which methods work best for them. No method will work perfectly every time.
REVEALED: What to eat before anal sex and how to get ready for anal like a pro!
If you want to play directly after work, I recommend bringing a small travel douche with you in your bag and doing a "courtesy clean" in the bathroom after work. You should not be douching every day, so if you want daily butt play, you should eat a high-fiber diet and get comfortable with the possibility of a little poop every now and then and just clean up after. Daily douching is not good for the health of your bowels.
Some folks swear that taking anti-diarrhea pills like Immodium will halt the body's digestion process, and anecdotally this seems to be true. But taking these pills frequently when you don't have diarrhea is also not healthy for the bowels long-term. I only do the Immodium trick for anal fisting or when I'm going to a sex party, and the Immodium trick doesn't work every time. Don't be terrified of something the body does naturally — poop — especially when you're playing in the butt. Poop is literally what it does.