Ass Me Anything: Lube, Pegging, Prostates, and Plugs!

Wondering if butt sex is gay sex? Need an anal-gasm explainer? Join Alexander Cheves on this edition of ASS Me Anything as we move up from the rear of the class.

Hello comrades! I'm Alexander Cheves. I write about sex. I recently published a book about my sex life — about the mistakes I made on my sex journey and how sex healed my deepest wounds. The book is called My Love Is a Beast: Confessions and is available everywhere books are sold. On #AssMeAnything, I answer your questions on all things anal. From fisting to felching, no topic is off-limits.

I bought the big rimmer [aka rimming plug] only to find that it drinks lube i.e. it doesn't stay on the plug and hurts like hell when taking it out. I've used a variety of lubes including Boy Butter but OUCH!! Is there a kind of lube I should be using? I've found this with a variety of silicone products. — Moogles

Hi Moogles, 

If the lubes you've tried aren't working, let's explore alternatives. People who like toys must learn the lube rules, which involve some chemistry knowledge.

Do not use silicone-based lube with silicone toys. Silicone wants to bind with other silicone, which means your silicone toy can "melt" when it comes in contact with silicone-based lube. So, with few exceptions, you should never use silicone-based lube with silicone toys. (This means you should not let your silicone toys touch each other in storage — though I strongly recommend storing all your toys without touching each other, regardless of what they are made of.) This rule is unfortunate because silicone-based lube is great. It never dries out and feels incredibly smooth. If you were having regular anal sex – with or without condoms – I'd encourage silicone lube. But keep silicone away from toys.

Whenever you buy a new toy, read the fine print on the product page or packaging — most toy manufacturers state what lubes are safe to use — and when in doubt, remember that water-based lube is safe with all toys. Most toymakers say water-based lube is the best lube to use with silicone toys (b-Vibe says water-based lube should be used with the Rimming Plug XL).

But the sad fact is, most water-based lubes in sex shops suck. They dry out very quickly and are not slick or thick enough for heavy anal play. Instead, I buy water-based lubes in powder form, which I mix myself at home. Examples of these are J-lube, K-lube, X-lube, Fist Powder, and others. These lubes are purchased as powders that you mix with water to make a slick, gooey substance. You can chance the viscosity (runniness) by adding more or less water (I like my J-lube thick, so I use more powder, less water).

These mix-it-yourself lubes are the most popular for anal fisting. J-lube is the old-school original — it is, in fact, a veterinary product that people into fisting have been (quite safely) for generations. All the other powder lubes are derivatives of J-lube. These lubes are safe with all toys, and they are what I would recommend for anyone into larger toy play (with the Rimming XL, you certainly qualify).

There are, of course, exceptions to these rules. Certain toy manufacturers make silicone toys that are safe with silicone lube. There are even high-grade silicone toys that are safe with oil-based lube. But for now, stick within the rules before hunting for exceptions.

The final and most important tip: Always do a "spot test." Put a spot of lube on a part of the toy that won't affect its use — usually the base or bottom — and leave it for a few hours to see if there's a chemical reaction. If there isn't, that lube is safe to use with that toy.

ANSWERED: When should I use coconut oil as lube?

Is it wrong for a straight guy to love receiving anal sex more than regular sex? — Sissyratboy

Hi Sissyratboy,

There's nothing gay about feeling good, and receptive anal sex feels really good for folks with prostates. Those who claim sodomy is unnatural — an abomination against God — choose to ignore the fact that their God put the ultimate pleasure spot (the prostate) for cisgender men in the anus.

DISCOVER: What is the prostate?

Like most sexually active men — gay and otherwise — I started my sex life thinking that, by virtue of being male, I was automatically the inserting sex partner. In my mind, I was no different than straight guys, except that the holes I wanted to fuck belonged to men instead of women. So that was what I did — until the day I got railed by a dom-top from the neighboring town. It hurt, but it also felt good, and I liked taking it, being under him, feeling him in me.

I started exploring bottoming, not because I was gay — in fact, I was initially very resistant to the idea and felt shame for it — but because it just felt so good. In time, the powerful physical pleasure of bottoming won the battle against my shame, and I embraced bottoming as a passion and way of life. Yes, there were still moments when my mind said it was wrong, but in the moment of sex, it felt right, and I held on to that feeling and allowed it to carry over into my life outside of sex. That's how I beat shame.

You're a straight man doing what feels good. Keep doing it. Get pegged like a champion. Be a beast of a bottom. Draw power from your own pleasure and use it to fuck up the world's narrow perception of heterosexual men. If you fully embrace what you like, I promise you three things: 1) you will find awesome women (and men, should you ever want to experiment) who want to fuck the living daylights out, and 3) you will likely have a far richer and more rewarding sex life than most other straight men you know.

LEARN: How to get started with strap-on penetration (aka pegging) and mastering the best pegging positions!

I have graduated from small plugs to large. Now I am having unusual internal spasms while inserted. No ejaculation but feeling very euphoric. I have read about anal orgasms but never had one. Is that what I am experiencing? I used to wear the medium plug for several hours but not the large one. — Olddog4newtrick

Hi Olddog4newtrick,

It is impossible to describe what an anal orgasm feels like because every human experiences all types of orgasms differently. My anal orgasms do not feel the same as my friend's orgasms. Mine take a longer time to happen, but once they happen, they are loud and intense and pass in waves over my body — my whole body trembles and I'm so loud that anyone in the house can hear me. My friend's anal orgasms are quieter and pass quickly, but he can do many of them in a row. I have fisted several guys who anal orgasm — or butt-gasm — this way.

MASTER: How to have a prostate orgasm

Some people involuntarily pee. Some don't. Every orgasm is like a signature — it is uniquely yours, an experience that only those you trust and connect with, who are privileged enough to witness you at your most powerful and vulnerable, will see.

There seem to be some similarities among butt-gasms. There's usually some trembling and full-body sensation involved. All orgasms — vaginal, squirting, ejaculatory, penile, and otherwise — involve clenching of the muscles and quickened heartbeat, so you can expect these in an anal orgasm as well. Most anal orgasms I've witnessed have not involved penile ejaculation, though some have (I've seen a few people with penises ejaculate soft, without an erection, from anal stimulation — it's hard to stay hard when your butt is being used).

I wouldn't be so sure that you haven't had an anal orgasm. Remember: your orgasms will change and develop as you develop. When I started fisting, it felt good, but I didn't have very intense orgasms from it. That changed dramatically in the years I've been fisting as I got better at it. I am now very proud of my butt-gasms. I developed them over time, and so will you. That's a fun part of the ass play journey.

Cheers,

Alex

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Have more questions for Alex? Read the answers to our most FAQs below:

1) What is analingus?

2) Is anal training essential?

3) Can you teach me how to prepare for anal sex?

4) What are the best anal massage and anal fingering techniques?

5) How do I get started with self anal play?